On this week's episode of Embracing Intensity, I got a little personal about my relationship history and how I used to mistake drama for passion. I thought that drama was just a biproduct of two intense people in a relationship, but I have since found otherwise. Not to say that there's no drama in my current relationship, but there is definitely an ease to it that I had not experienced in the past.
I was going to write a blog post about the key factors that I have found useful in minimizing drama, namely open communication (Nonviolent Communication is a great tool for this), identifying your "hot buttons" or "triggers," managing your expectations and not making assumptions. I go into these on the podcast, and planned to go into it in more detail on the blog when inspiration hit me on my afternoon walk.
The heart of most drama in relationships is the idea that there is "one right way."
When we have a need that isn't met, we get an idea in our head about what strategy will best meet that need. Sometimes we confuse the strategy with the need and think that it is the only way to get that need met.
While this may work when we are flying solo, in relationship if you get stuck on one particular strategy or point of view, your communication can be perceived as a demand rather than a request.
Strategies are very personal, while needs are universal, so if you can focus on the need, then you can better communicate about how both partners can get their needs met. The Center for Nonviolent Communication has a great Needs Inventory list here. Most of our needs fall under one of these 7 categories: connection, physical well-being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy and meaning.
So the next time you feel stuck on something that you want but aren't sure you can get - take a look at what need it would meet and explore other possible options to meet that need. You might surprise yourself and find something even better than what you thought was the "right way."